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Mist rises from the pot-hole infested streets, kids shriek with delight as cool fountain water sprays them down in the town square, wicker baskets full of vibrantly colored fruits and vegetables layer the white plastic tables at the local farmer’s market, begging to be brought home. Summer clearly hasn’t left, but its kid-brother is just around the corner. Here’s looking at you, fall. Oh, that good-looking orange and gold fall.
Fall is a time of pumpkin-spice everything, togetherness, and going cross-eyed trying to help my 13-year-old step-son, Chris, solve problems like, (7 a) b = x (a1) Common Core style. While thousands of parents across the country bond with genuine giddiness as their miniature offspring head back to school, for myself, it has the opposite effect.
It means shouting, “time to wake up, buddy!” 23 times in the morning before our zombie finally rises from his tomb, and Dad whisks him out the door with minutes to spare. It means one year closer to becoming those uncool parents who are too this or too that. Remember, us “parents just don’t understand.” Fall means harping on and on about why the kiddos need to eat breakfast and healthy snacks to keep their brain up and moving. For reals, you get the drill.
But, it doesn’t have to be that way, Mama.
Here are several must-haves to curb those back to school blues and keep mom’s sanity intact.
Voice Recording Alarm
The baby is sleeping, you are half-awake, and your middle-schooler needs to GET.THE.HECK.UP. There is this amazing invention called a voice recorded clock that allows you to program any reminder to your child! At 6:30 AM, 6:35 AM, 6:45 AM, and so on, you can program the clock to say: Rise and Shine Clementine or whatever jingle you prefer to use. Just before you head out the door at 8:00 AM, you might want to add, “Don’t forget your English book, Matey!” Most of these types of clocks allow you to record up to 25 different personal reminders. And, do you know what the cherry on top is, you can record it in your OWN VOICE. Not Alexa’s, Not Siri’s, nor Mr. Roboto’s voice. Your very own. With mom brain constantly wreaking havoc, this clock is a godsend and a sanity saver.
Sometimes those achy, sleepless nights and random days when you can’t remember how to turn on your car (yes, there once was a time…sssshh) call for drastic measures. Cue: Death Wish Coffee. This is the most legit coffee that will grant you the clarity and focus you need. I am a hard-core coffee-feen and this is, hands-down, the strongest coffee I’ve ever had. With flavor so smooth and creamy, those cream and sugar addicts may be surprised they can enjoy this mug of coffee, black. CAUTION: After this treat, you will feel so invincible you may end up signing up for every parent-related club in your kid’s school.
Pardon me, but can you chardon’ me? Stock up on some smooth, buttery chardonnay to take you back to your carefree summer in the sun, a simpler time with no homework, less traffic, and no running to and from this and that practice. My favorite chardonnay is Cal Poly Wine. Yes, you heard that right. Cal Poly, as in the University, has a killer chardonnay made by their viticulture students. You can get your buzz on while helping the future leaders of America. How about that? You can order from one of their wine distributors here. If you could care less about supporting millennials, check out my second favorite La Crema Chardonnay, close to my family home in California. Exploding with notes of caramel, butterscotch, and a tinge of floral, this will turn a non-white drinker into a binge-drinking chardonnaire. If you aren’t a wino, grab any booze you can. Booze is booze; I don’t discriminate.
Oversized Black Sunglasses
Hey, you have to monitor your kids and it’s getting close to that time where they duck behind bushes if they see you at their school. Sometimes you got to sneak in there, James Bond style. Rock those oversized sunglasses, throw that hair up under a hat, and do what you gotta do. All summer, you overheard your son talk about girls with his friends. He starts brushing his hair without being asked, requesting name-brand clothing, and asking you to buy him Axe body spray. Whaaaaat? For who? Those sunglasses will let you duck in and out, accordingly so you can keep tabs on your new girl-crazed teenager and his supposed lady friend. C’mon, you’re spying out of love.
No, you won’t be rivaling Chuck Norris. Yes, you still need the bandana. What if you forget to wear your hat during the stakeout at your child’s school? Bandana. Did you forget to wipe the baby spit-up off your shirt as you walked out the door? Bandana. Can’t wear normal necklaces nowadays without that precious baby yanking it off? Bandana. You need this. It’s small, compact, and will fit in your purse. Nowadays, you can even have your favorite mantra or dog’s face embroidered on it. C’mon mamas, let’s be honest. You can even use it as a handkerchief, you know, just in case some emotion starts to flow as you drop the littles off at their first day of school. What am I saying? YOU ARE A HORMONAL MESS, YOU ARE GOING TO CRY. Just buy a whole pack of them. Remember, it’s fall, you can put it on that scarecrow you were going to make from Pinterest.