5 Snarky Responses to “When Are You Having Another Baby?”

“So…when are you going to have another baby?”

I was trying to master breastfeeding, was running on 3 hours of sleep, and still getting used to having a mini-human permanently stationed in my arms. Just thinking of having another baby at that point in time was enough for me to cast an evil stare at the inquisitor and hurl a dirty diaper at their head.

I had barely pushed my daughter out of my inflamed hoo-ha, escaped labor delirium, washed the puke off my face (yes, girl, it was like that), and changed my over sized diaper, before family, friends, and strangers, were asking when I was going to have another baby.

Fast forward a year (almost), my boobs have simmered down, I now get about 5 hours of sleep, and my girl is walking on her own. A lot has changed, yet that one question remains the same and is asked on the daily.

If you don’t want to take the bait and allow the other person to conduct an open audit of everything in your life — from financials to fertility to relationship health, then check out these five funny responses to…..you guessed it:

When are you having more kids?!

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1. “When are you getting your own life together?” 

Turn the tables. They will be blindsided and won’t even know what happened. They will be stunned at first because how dare you to inquire about their lives in such a way. Whether or not they truly are a hot mess circus, it will make them pause long enough for you to grab your baby and run, with no further explanation.

2. “Only if you contribute your next paycheck to my GoFundMe page created to cover child expenses. Would you like to donate?”

This is my number one response when asked if I am having more children. Kids are too damn expensive to take care of. Isn’t it nuts that it’s more cost-effective for me to STAY AT HOME to raise my daughter then to work outside the home full-time and pay daycare costs? As of 2015, American parents spend, on average, $233,610 on child costs from birth until the age of 17, not including college. Ouch. The mini-pockets inside my pockets are crying just thinking about it.

Related: 10 Ways to Be a Happy and Sane Stay at Home Mom

3. “I’m adopting an alien from Mars.”

With the recent frenzy regarding proof of life on Mars, it won’t sound out of this world to inform the stranger, quizzing you on how many kids you’re having, that you plan on adopting a young orphan alien from Mars. With SpaceX’s Falcon Heavy launch a success, it will surely be less than a light-year when you and yours can jump on the next orbital launch. This excuse, however, will buy you an infinite amount of time to figure out your family’s needs and wants—and shut the stranger up in the process.

4. “What?? And give up booze and sushi again for a year?!”

So, they’re either going to think you’re some alcoholic or an elitist. Who gives a hoot! Maybe, it will make them stop and think twice about you as a mother, thus halting the barrage of next kid questions. I’m not gonna lie. On a hot, muggy Midwest day, crisp white wine can really take the edge off. Last summer, as my lady friends laughed in the sun donning little straw sunhats and glasses of wine, I sat hot and itchy rocking cankles and iced water. It wasn’t easy.  Don’t get me started on my sushi and ceviche addiction.  Ahh, so, so, many sacrifices. Oh, what we do for our children.

5. “Kids are a pain in the ass. We’re getting a dog.”

Ermagerd! The screaming. The sass. The “buy me this and buy me that.” The never-ending taxiing. Kids can be a major pain in the ass. Especially, the second ones. A recent study showed that second-born children really may be more likely to get in significant forms of trouble.  With exception to waking up in the middle of the night as pups, raising dogs are nothing like raising babies (people who say that are WRONG). Dogs are way easier to take care of than kids. Look, they even help you cook and make cocktails too!

Although people think this is a harmless question to ask, even for an individual you have known a mere 5 seconds in the checkout line, asking when a person is having another baby is really none of your business. Consider the mothers who are yearning to have more, but can’t.

Or the mothers who are trying, but have suffered miscarriages. This question may appear light, even conversational, but truthfully, it is intrusive. Speaking of intrusive, when are you planning on getting laid again?

A little too personal?

My thoughts exactly.